Loneliness in Society and the Church

In the recently-published Bulletin from Affinity’s Social Issues Team, this article by Regan King focuses on a major societal problem of our day – loneliness.

Our world has never been so connected; language, transport and technology have all played a role in linking people together from near and far. With speed previously impossible to imagine, I can now communicate with someone on the other side of the planet by phone, Skype, WhatsApp, Facebook and many other apps and platforms. I can juggle social media contacts and friendships in every continent and – so long as resources are at hand – can travel almost anywhere in the world within a maximum of 24 hours.

For most people, whether village, town, or city dwellers, social opportunities abound: Pubs and coffee shops; clubs and community centres; parks and gyms; events and arenas; churches and meet-ups – the list goes on. Such a wealth of connectedness and opportunity, however, belies the existence in western society of a pervasive condition that plays a role in negatively impacting people’s mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health. When chronic, it can drive people beyond the passive self-harm of neglecting care for one’s own well-being to active, physical self-harm and even suicide. The condition is loneliness. 

Loneliness statistics

Thanks to recent research from the Office for National Statistics (ONS)^[1], London School of Economics^[2] and the Campaign to End Loneliness^[3], some figures exist that in some way enable us to understand the loneliness problem in the UK.

• Over 9 million people in the UK – almost a fifth of the population – say they are always or often lonely.
• The highest proportion of any age group reporting loneliness are those aged 16 to 24; almost 10% in this age group report chronic loneliness.
• Those single or widowed were at particular risk of experiencing loneliness.
• Those in rented accommodation reported feeling lonely more often than homeowners. These are often younger people with little sense of connection or belonging to the area in which they live. Almost half of people in England aged 25-34 rent their homes.

As people age it may be that a resilience to loneliness is built up leading the elderly to not report it as much. Old-age loneliness exists, regardless. The Campaign to End Loneliness points to studies that indicate: 

• Widowed older homeowners living alone with long-term health conditions are more likely to experience loneliness.
• Over half (51%) of all people aged 75 and over live alone.
• Two fifths of older people (about 3.9 million) say the television is their main company.
• 63% of adults aged 52 or over who have been widowed, and 51% of the same group who are separated or divorced, report feeling lonely some of the time or often.
• 17% of older people are in contact with family, friends and neighbours less than once a week and 11% are in contact less than once a month^[4]

Studies consistently indicate that women are more likely than men to report feelings of loneliness. The probability is that men do have similar feelings but find themselves unwilling to acknowledge the extent of the problem, leading to unhealthy internalisation. Perhaps this helps to explain why British men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women^[5], making it a leading cause of death for men between the ages of 20 and 49. 

Loneliness’ symptoms and source

Loneliness is defined by Merriam Webster’s Dictionary as ‘being without company’, ‘cut off from others’, ‘sad from being alone’, and ‘a feeling of bleakness or desolation’. The accompanying feeling of isolation produces dejection, depression and the resulting poor quality of life can lead to early death.

For young people, paradoxically in some people’s minds, technological connectedness may be an issue.^[6] While building up a digital social network, tech-savvy millennials are in danger of forsaking face-to-face community and the meaningful communication on which healthy communities are built.

For the elderly, FaceTime, and WhatsApp enable many to connect with their families who may be separated by large distances. Trips to the shop are an important means of social interaction, but the growing use of automated checkouts has robbed many of their chance to communicate with real people.^[7]

Loneliness can be caused by the loss of a loved one to death, divorce, or estrangement and yet people are often less than transparent about it.  

The source and symptoms of loneliness can be complex as seen in responses I received when enquiring after people’s own experience of loneliness. For example K, a male in his early twenties: 

It seems to me that a big part of the problem is how much we move around as a society and don’t hold ties to our roots as important. Gone are the days of living and dying in one town and knowing the same people the whole time and having a lifetime to build meaningful relationships. The way we live now you move wherever the work is, with the expectation of being there a short time then moving. I’m not saying it’s all necessarily bad, but it does mean you don’t have any set of friends long enough to know people really well. Add to this that jobs can have whatever hours they like and you probably only see the friends you do have at most once or twice a week. It’s a pretty brutal setup. We associate loneliness with the old, when it’s all too common in the young. For some reason I don’t ever seem to get beyond the level of ‘day-to-day’ chat with friends, even people I see often. People are conditioned against being real with each other and visibly retreat if a conversation starts to go that way. Maybe it’s a guy thing; maybe it’s an English thing. Who knows? But loneliness is a problem.

Loneliness and the church

With loneliness so prevalent in society, it is certain that there are members in your church who are lonely. Pastoral vigilance and discernment is important, as well as addressing the causes of loneliness.

Lack of motivation and intentionality

Some church members need to be encouraged to avail themselves of the opportunities for friendship and fellowship in church, rather than persist with attitudes that prolong and exacerbate their isolation. It may require a gentle push to overcome the initial hurdle of joining the small group or other event so that the opportunity for genuine relationships can be made.

Fear of repeated loss

Friendships can be betrayed and trust broken, even in church circles. In these cases it may be harder to trust people and risk losing friendships again. Church members will need help to overcome such fears and, with discernment, to continue to pursue wholesome relationships.

Selfishness

Some are lonely because, they say, no one meets their requirements in a friend. I have heard professing Christians who are lonely excuse their lack of involvement in church life on the basis that no one there shares the same niche interests, age or cultural demographic. A challenge to faithful discipleship will require a change in such attitudes by the power of the Holy Spirit; church life is not meant to cater to our whims, desires and tastes. A consumerist approach to church life expects to be entertained and provided for; a more biblical mindset and one that would help reduce loneliness in church life is (to paraphrase a well-known saying) to ‘ask not what your church can do for you, but what you can do for your church’.

Unhelpful church models

The church is to be a gathering of believers for worship, yes, but also for stirring one another up to love and good works (Ephesians 5, Hebrews 10:24-25). The local church is to be a familial community in which its members have a sense of belonging. Jesus told his disciples that the love they have for one another will be a sign to the world that they are his disciples (John 13:35). Do some ways in which we organise church life make it harder to achieve these goals, and make loneliness more likely?

1. Commuter church

In this model attenders travel from a large geographical area to central venue. In a city like London a church might advertise a location as being a 5-10 minute walk from a railway station, requiring a journey of up to an hour and a half in total for many people. With the demands of the working day, meeting up on a week night is far less likely, reducing meaningful face-to-face fellowship to perhaps only two hours out of the week’s 168. On a Sunday these people will travel past numerous faithful churches – congregations of those who love the Lord and could do with the extra help and support from those in their community. So believers not only feel more isolated in their large commuter church but also miss out on local opportunities to impact their community for Christ.

2. Multi-service church

Some churches grow to the extent that they need multiple services in order to accommodate the congregation under one roof. Getting people in and out efficiently to facilitate this may hinder opportunities for informal interaction outside of worship times. The effective use of small groups at other times will be particularly important in enabling members to engage one another in a meaningful, deeper ways.

3. Online church

Modern technology enables churches to livestream their Sunday services. Sadly, for all the benefits of this, if believers regularly neglect to meet with the church body, swapping that for the easier option of watching from home, it will do nothing to cure their loneliness.

With Christ in the silence of loneliness

Loneliness is both a social problem and a spiritual issue. Some are lonely because they cannot forgive others and their bitterness isolates them. Some are lonely because others do not care enough to visit them when they are sick or will not go out of their way to keep them company. The causes are endless; sometimes the lonely person is at fault; sometimes it is the people around the lonely person who are failing.

Sometimes the silence of loneliness is deafening. But there is hope for the lonely in Jesus Christ. Consider this testimony, shared with me by S, a middle-aged woman, who experienced the pain of her husband walking away:

Loneliness hit me hard when J left. We had done life, ministry, family, everything together and suddenly it was all gone! I felt lonely in a broken way. People treated me differently; that was a shock! I felt the loneliness was imposed on me and it wasn’t what I expected. This wasn’t the life I planned or thought I was going to have. It didn’t feel right. In a crowd I was lonely; on my own I was lonely; all the time, but especially on Saturdays. That was our day off together and I had no one on that day to talk to. I often sat in the car at the supermarket and wept, not wanting to go back to an empty house… I couldn’t fix the loneliness and as someone said to me. ‘All the plasters have come off and you can’t fix this’.

However, I am grateful now for that time of loneliness as the Lord drew very near. Thankfully it was not long before the Lord used it for good in my life. I thought often of Jesus’ time in the garden where he had no one and he prayed ‘if it is possible let this cup pass from me, nevertheless not my will but your will be done. ‘I felt challenged in my loneliness to trust in him who would be with me in the forced loneliness and become my deepest treasure. He did and he is. Blessed be his name. He gives and takes away and we bless his holy name. My heart will choose to stay. Because he does it for good! Blessed be his name. I sang that song a lot!

I read: ‘Loneliness is a wilderness, but through receiving it as a gift, accepting it from the hand of God, and offering it back to him with thanksgiving, it may become a pathway to holiness, to glory and to God himself… The wilderness is that season of our lives where God, through our loneliness, teaches us that his will is to do something in us, not merely do something for us. That is, by walking by faith and not by sight, he works in us a stronger faith, leading to a deeper worship that results in a greater joy.’ (Elizabeth Elliot)

For the Christian, Jesus, who himself experienced grief and loneliness as part of his sacrifice for believers (Isaiah 53), is the cure for our loneliness. Looking to him and growing in love for him changes everything. He is the one who leads us through the lonely shadows and valleys of this life (Psalm 23).

 

O soul, are you weary and troubled?

No light in the darkness you see?

There’s light for a look at the Saviour,

And life more abundant and free.

 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in his wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of his glory and grace.

 

Regan King serves as a church planter and pastor at The Angel Church, Islington, London and is a communications officer at Christian Concern.

(This article was originally published in the Affinity Social Issues Bulletin for November 2018. The whole edition can be found at www.affinity.org.uk)

The Social Issues Team publishes The Bulletin three times each year, containing information about current issues relevant to churches and Christians.

A PDF of this article is available to download here.

The whole issue of the latest Bulletin may be downloaded here:

The Bulletin – November 2018

Footnotes:

^[1] Edward Pyle and Dani Evans, ‘Loneliness – What characteristics and circumstances are associated with feeling lonely?’, Office for National Statistics, 10 April 2018.

^[2] David McDaid, Annette Bauer and A-La Park, ‘Making the economic case for investing in actions to prevent and/or tackle loneliness: a systematic review’, London School of Economics and Political Science, September 2017.

^[3] www.campaigntoendloneliness.org

^[4] https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org/loneliness-research/

^[5] Samaritans, Suicide Statistics Report, September 2018.

^[6] Sean Coughlan, ‘Loneliness more likely to affect young people’ BBC News, 10 April 2018; Jo Griffin, The Lonely Society?, The Mental Health Foundation, 2010.

^[7] Sean Coughlan, ‘Automated checkouts ‘miserable’ for elderly shoppers’, BBC News, 21 September 2017.